Do you have this feeling of often being (or even always being) a little out of step with your surroundings, your friends, your family...?
The feeling of having to “play a role” in order to be accepted? Or of being unable to express yourself, to behave the way you would like to because invisible rules keep you from doing so?
If I were to be a little provocative, I would say: “good news, you’re normal.”
Because life necessarily leads us to go through several stages, several periods, and to evolve within many different worlds, where we also occupy diverse roles. Thus we are at once parent, employee, entrepreneur, son or daughter of our parents, practitioner of a sports discipline, model-making enthusiast, and a thousand other things in which we find fulfillment.
And yet, several of my clients or patients have come to see me with this feeling of losing their bearings, of not really knowing where their “place” is, who they truly are deep down, and how to reconnect with themselves, with their wishes, their desires, even sometimes their identity.
Several origins to this feeling
This discomfort can have several origins, stemming from your personal, family, or relational history. It always takes root in childhood, but also in adolescence, which in my view is not taken into account enough, and in the relationship maintained with parental figures. Whether one approaches the subject through the lens of attachment theories or education, we generally develop by conforming or opposing. Of course, it can happen that the family framework has left full room for creativity and for the invention of the self. But I believe that remains rare... And in any case, one can go through periods of life when the question of finding one’s place still arises.
- The “good child syndrome”: when the path is laid out by our environment and we conform to it, notably so as not to cause pain, not to stand out in the family or social landscape, to be accepted;
- One’s place in the sibling group, in peer groups: whatever that place may be, being the eldest, the middle child, the youngest, shapes the ways we are (setting an example, looking after the younger ones, asserting oneself against all odds, not going unnoticed...)
- Commitment under constraint: we grit our teeth, we “swallow our pride,” but the environment is harsh, even coercive, we must “succeed” or “fit the mold,” and we adapt; sometimes we may tell ourselves we have no choice;
- Originality that is hard for those around us to accept: when in a rather “serious” environment, it is not very acceptable to show originality or creativity... but one can imagine that in a more creative environment, being, on the contrary, very organized and rational is not so simple;
- Life events that make one lose one’s bearings: the loss of a parent, serious illness, a work accident,... we thought we were clear about things and in the end the cards are reshuffled, and we find ourselves in the middle of an imaginary crossroads, asking ourselves which road to take in order to “be ourselves.”
I will devote another post to the subject of identity, a fascinating subject if ever there was one! But as a preamble I will say that “what we are” is a mixture of things that do not change (or change little) and of a permanent adaptation, an evolution that transforms us.
How can you feel better?
Therapy helps you recentre on who you truly are. To a certain extent, coaching also does, especially when it focuses on the professional sphere.
In light of the above, this “who you truly are” is to be understood as the interweaving of what deeply constitutes you, this personality that you have sometimes covered with many layers in order to adapt, to please, to be accepted... and what you are here and now, in the life context that is yours, taking into account your age, your aspirations, your living environment...
If the tools and approaches may vary, helping you better define or reclaim your “place” involves at least three major steps:
- Better understanding yourself in your ways of functioning, what makes you unique, your strengths and your “weaknesses” (even though I do not like that word). This may involve personality tests, working on the timeline of your life, using projective card games... The idea is to identify the contours of who you are and to list what you want to keep or evolve.
- Exploring your current situation (or situations) and seeing how to more strongly or more accurately assert who you are. Clarifying a living environment you aspire to, strengthening your ability to “say things” rather than keep them to yourself, daring to assert your point of view even if it differs from the majority, listening to your intuitions... all these are areas of work so that you can better take the place you aspire to.
- Letting all these learnings “settle” so that you can express yourself naturally in a new way and, no doubt, in a different relationship with others (sharing your opinion more, being proactive where you were not, taking the reins rather than letting yourself be guided...)
In summary
Of course, a blog post is far too limited to cover such a complex subject.
But nothing is fixed, ever. Every person has the capacity to make things move, to change the way they look at situations and at others. And therefore to change the way they invest space, relationships, and their environment.
And it is certain that if you change the way you position yourself in relation to others, the effect will be more global and they will address you differently.
Get in touch with me if you too are looking for your “place.”
